she smelled like a LAN party
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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