Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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