I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
