Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
