there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
