I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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