Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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