Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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