dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She needs sedatives and a leash
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
