I met the friendliest cop last night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
