What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
