I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
