Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
