I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
