My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
