I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
