I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
