Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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