there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
