Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
