i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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