corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
