got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
