my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
