So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
