I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
