You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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