now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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