watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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