What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
