I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
