Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
