I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
