I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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