I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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