How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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