The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
