Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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