I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
