I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
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this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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