I accidentally had phone sex last night
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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