On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
