So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
