pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
