The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
