I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
