I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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