I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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