I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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