i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
