Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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