ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
