he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
