so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
me + whiskey = a bad person
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
